Overview

Non-violent relationships are based on mutuality and respect. Violent relationships are based on power and control. Rather than using communication, negotiation, or compromise to solve problems, violent individuals tend to rely on force or coercion to get what they want.

Relationship violence usually occurs after a build up of tension about issues which aren't directly discussed or resolved. During this time, arguments and criticism usually increase. Following this build up, violence may erupt over seemingly insignificant issues.

When the tension is released, the relationship may seem to improve. Perpetrators of violence often apologize, make promises to change, and pay special attention to their partners right after a violent incident. However, long-term, spontaneous change rarely occurs because the underlying patterns of control and lack of communication and compromise haven't changed. In fact, violence in a relationship usually escalates.

The victim's love for his/her partner, hope that the relationship will get better, and fear that the abuser will retaliate if the victim ends the relationship often make it difficult to get out of an abusive relationship.

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

• Are you afraid of your partner or feel like you sometimes have to walk on eggshells to keep your partner from getting angry?
• Has your partner ever hit, slapped, or pushed you?
• Do you ever get the feeling that you've done something wrong, but you'd have to read your partner's mind to find out what it is?
• Is your partner very good to you most of the time, sometimes even wonderful, but once in a while is very cruel or scary?
• Have you been forced by your partner to do something you didn't want to do?
• Have you lost contact with most or all of your friends and family since you've been with your partner?
• Do you feel isolated, like there's nowhere to turn for help or that no one would believe you if you did?
• If your partner asks, do you feel like you have to say everything is okay, even when it's not?

If you answer yes to several of the preceding questions, then violence may be a current or future problem in your relationship.

If Your Partner Has Been Violent With You

Know that you are not alone. Twenty to 30% of college dating relationships include incidents of both verbal and physical abuse, and more than 50% of women in the U.S. report having experienced violence at the hands of a spouse or romantic partner. Relationship violence crosses ethnic, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic lines.

Talk to someone about your feelings. If family or friends don't understand or can't give you the support you need, contact a campus or community agency where professionals trained in relationship violence can help.

Know that you aren't to blame. You may have been told that it's your fault - that you provoked the violence. You may even feel guilty and ashamed. It's important to know that violence is the abuser's choice, and you cannot make that choice for him or her.

Plan for your safety. It's very likely that violence will reoccur. It's important to have a plan to protect yourself from future violence.

• Talk to someone you trust, and arrange to stay with them when things get bad.
• Keep a spare set of keys and some money in a place that only you know about and where you can get to them in a hurry.

If you decide to leave the relationship, consider getting a protective order.

• A protective order can remove the abuser from your shared residence.
• It forbids them from communicating with you or going near your residence or place of employment.
• It orders them to attend counseling or a batterer's treatment program.

Resources for Assistance

Relationship violence is traumatic and can be overwhelming. The following resources can assist you with your emotional, safety planning, and/or legal needs, or they can help you connect with resources that can. All services are confidential. No one can find out that you've sought help unless you choose to disclose that information.

• To schedule an appointment: 471-3515
• 24 hr Telephone Counseling: 471-CALL (2255)
• UT students only

• 24 hour Sexual Assault/Relationship Violence Hotline - 267-SAFE
• Anyone can call