Life After Loss – Dealing with Grief

Loss is an inevitable part of life and grief is a natural part of the healing process. The reasons for grief are many, such as the loss of a loved one, the loss of health or the letting go of a long-held dream. Dealing with a significant loss can be one of the most difficult times in your life.

Different Kinds of Loss

Feelings of loss are very personal – only you know what is significant to you. People commonly associate certain losses with strong feelings of grief.

These can include:

Sudden Versus Predictable Loss

Sudden or shocking losses – due to events like crimes, accidents or suicide – can be traumatic. There is no way to prepare. They can challenge your sense of security and confidence in the predictability of life. You may experience symptoms such as sleep disturbance, nightmares, disturbing thoughts, social isolation or severe anxiety.

Predictable losses – like those due to terminal illness – sometimes allow more time to prepare for the loss. However, they carry two layers of grief: the grief related to the anticipation of the loss and the grief related to the final loss. The length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief.

Although it can be painful at times, the grief process cannot be rushed. It is important to be patient with yourself as you experience the feelings and your unique reactions to the loss. With time and support, things generally do get better. However, it is normal for significant dates, holidays or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss.

Typical Grief Reactions

Grief as a Process of Healing

Several authors have described typical stages or needs that the grieving person experiences. For example, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross suggested that grief is characterized by the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Alan Wolfelt described ‘mourning needs,’ which include acknowledging the reality of the death, embracing the pain of the loss, remembering the person who died, developing a new self-identity, searching for meaning and receiving ongoing support from others.

Culture, Rituals and Ceremonies

Your cultural background can affect how you understand and approach the grief process. Some cultures anticipate a ‘time to grieve’ and have developed rituals to help people through the grief process. Support from others can be a reminder that grief is a universal experience and that you are not alone. After a significant loss, some cultures have morning rituals to mark the passage of time and help individuals reconnect with their ordinary lives.

A mourning ritual can occur during a meaningful time, like an anniversary, wake or holiday, or a distinct location, a church, synagogue or home. You may not be conscious of how your own cultural background affects your grief process. Talking with family, friends or clergy is one way to strengthen your awareness or possibly cultural influences in your life. Friends and family may be able to help you generate ideas to create your own rituals. Some have found solace in creating their own unconventional ceremonies, such as a funeral or ceremony with personal friends in a private setting.

How Can You Cope With Grief?

Each one of us has an individual style of coping with painful times. The list above may help you generate ideas about how to manage your feelings of grief. You may want to experiment with these ideas or create a list of your own. Talking to friends who have dealt with loss in the past can help you generate new ways of coping.

Only you know what coping skills will fit best with your personality and lifestyle. One way to examine your own style of coping is to recall the ways you’ve dealt with painful times in the past. It’s important to note that some ways of coping with grief are helpful, like talking to others, writing in a journal and so forth.

How Can You Support Others Who Are Grieving?

• Be a good listener
• Just sit with them
• Ask about their loss
• Assist them with any needs related to their grieving process
• Let them feel sad
• Do not minimize their grief
• Ask about their feelings
• Share your feelings
• Remember their loss with them

People who are grieving often feel isolated or lonely in their grief. Soon after the loss, social activities and support from others may decrease. As the shock of the loss fades, there is a tendency on the part of the griever to feel more pain and sadness. Well-meaning friends may avoid discussing the subject due to their own discomfort with the grief or their fear of "making the person feel bad." They may "not know what to say."

People who are grieving are likely to fluctuate between wanting some time to themselves and wanting closeness with others. They may want someone to talk to about their feelings. Showing concern and thoughtfulness about a friend shows that you care. It’s better to feel nervous and awkward sitting with a grieving friend than to not sit there at all.

The Counseling and Mental Health Center is here for you.

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